Elevating Elevator Use

I’m trying hard, very hard, not to lose my shit on people who seem to not know that human decency is personified in how one uses a goddamn elevator. How can something that seems so basic, a box on a pulley that ushers plebs up and down to their meaningless jobs and shitty condos, be fraught with so much absurd confusion and a lack of self-awareness?

Look, maybe if I had this thing people keep raving about, “cardio”, I’d be okay with taking the stairs and avoiding the horror that is walking into a box filled with awful scents and worse people. But unfortunately for all involved, I gave up on personal fitness and put all my eggs in the ‘science will soon invent a pill that saves me from ever having to set foot on an elliptical‘ basket. I guess that pill kinda already exists in the form of a methamphetamine, which has been used in the pharmaceutical weight-loss game for decades, but I like my teeth and also, those people have shitty cardio, but can fit into anything made by Gucci. Cocaine would probably also work, in the event you wanted to broaden your horizons.  Continue Reading→

Yawning – Shut up already

Usually when people open their mouths, annoying words come out of them. But on occasion, the words are replaced with obnoxious air in the form of a yawn. Yawning is a biological necessity, I get that. It’s the brain needing more oxygen or something (I was too lazy to Google the specifics), it doesn’t actually mean you’re tired. Regardless, it’s something we all do throughout the day. Just some of us do it with more gumption and general douchebaggery than others. Some people want the world to know that they’re yawning, and have developed a go-to style or sound to accompany the passage of air to the brain. These people are terribly annoying. Continue Reading→

Sidewalk Etiquette – Don’t be a concrete asshole

I think a lot of people are unaware that they are in fact, living in a society, and I base this entirely on their inability to walk on the fucking sidewalk. The sidewalk is a simple yet fundamental tenant to our society. A means of transport  bringing those who choose to walk from one point to another, or simply allowing them to meander and take in life as it slowly passes you buy at 12 km/hr (miles be damned). They are the arteries of both small and congested cities and are vital to the vibrancy, success and general happiness of its populace. Except, people don’t know how to actually use them.

You’d think the act of walking on concrete, while mixing in a little common sense and decency, would not take rules or guidance, but people are stupid so here we are. Continue Reading→