Grocery Stores: Where produce and my soul go to die

I should start this little ditty by saying I fucking love going to the grocery store. I can easily spend hours, even days, wandering the aisles and gleefully spending my time squeezing all the French breads (soft interior, crispy on the out) and looking for exciting new condiments, which now make up roughly 80 percent of my fridge. The trick, however, is going late on a weeknight so you have the place completely to yourself, which allows you to avoid the wretched masses who turn the beautiful experience of grocery shopping into a living, fucking, nightmare. Continue Reading→

Elevating Elevator Use

I’m trying hard, very hard, not to lose my shit on people who seem to not know that human decency is personified in how one uses a goddamn elevator. How can something that seems so basic, a box on a pulley that ushers plebs up and down to their meaningless jobs and shitty condos, be fraught with so much absurd confusion and a lack of self-awareness?

Look, maybe if I had this thing people keep raving about, “cardio”, I’d be okay with taking the stairs and avoiding the horror that is walking into a box filled with awful scents and worse people. But unfortunately for all involved, I gave up on personal fitness and put all my eggs in the ‘science will soon invent a pill that saves me from ever having to set foot on an elliptical‘ basket. I guess that pill kinda already exists in the form of a methamphetamine, which has been used in the pharmaceutical weight-loss game for decades, but I like my teeth and also, those people have shitty cardio, but can fit into anything made by Gucci. Cocaine would probably also work, in the event you wanted to broaden your horizons.  Continue Reading→

Fail Bag – The worst readers of 2015

Another miserable year has come to a close. The only real difference between 2015 and 2016 is we don’t yet know what awful stuff humanity has in store. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it has something to do with continuing to enable gun crime, more armed conflicts that result in further armed conflicts, celebs doing dickish things with little to no consequence, and of course, all you plebs breaking the rules that make society moderately more hospitable and ending up in Society Camp. We receive a lot of mail here at Society Camp. It includes hate mail, directed at yours truly, mostly from parents thinking I’m too harsh on their kids who will never amount to anything more than misery and household debt. We also receive lots of letters and emails (it’s 2016 people, stop it with the handwritten letters) from readers all over the world who think they have spotted something that is Society Camp worthy. More often than not, the letters do accurately address some shitty behaviour that is best met with swift Society Camp reform. But from time to time, some of you send in suggested Society Camp worthy actions that are just plain wrong, and if anything, make you sound like someone who would be well served to spend some time here at Society Camp, in an attempt to repair your broken personality. Continue Reading→

Fail Bag: Headphones for Dummies

Hello world, we’re back after a brief interlude (I blame laziness and a lack of financial motivation). To kick things off this week, we have a great question from our Fail Bag. If you have something awful you’ve witnessed and want it addressed in the safe and warm confines of Society Camp, email us at the.society.camp@gmail.com. The next person to have their question posted will win a $10 dollar gift card to The Shopping Channel, our unofficial sponsors (i.e., I got it in the mail as a promotion). Now on to today’s question.

Norm from Paris, France

Hello from Paris! First off, we’re huge fans of Society Camp here, thanks to our affinity for cynicism and unfiltered Gauloises, which remind us of your unfiltered views of the world that burn with rage like embers (editor’s note: this motherfucker is gonna make me cry, that was beautiful). I own a small shop and often get clients who come to the cash wearing their stupid headphones or the little balls in their ears, and I’m forced to either speak above them or repeat the same sentence three times. To make matters worse, the ones that have their music on so loud that they simply can’t hear anything you’re saying, do that thing where they roll their eyes and take off the headphones as though you’re inconveniencing their quiet time with Taylor Swift. I’ve debated enforcing a no headphones policy in my shop, what do you think?

Thanks for the kind words, Norm. I always just assumed people from France were assholes, and not because of the stereotype that you’re all assholes, more so based on the stereotype that you all think Jerry Lewis is a comedic god. That is fucked up. Like serial killer level fucked up. Next you’ll be telling me that French youth are into Dane Cook, at which point, your future is beyond doomed. Continue Reading→

Horking in Public – Viscous rich hatred

Humans are filled with disgusting fluids, it’s just a scientific fact that we can’t escape. Over the years, we have found various ways to rid ourselves of these unwanted fluids in discrete ways. Gone are the days of throwing chamber pots out the window and onto busy streets. No longer do we frequent dusty saloons riddled with overflowing spittoons. Yet still, some people find it necessary, in our modern times, to fucking hork and then spit on the sidewalk. The word hork, by no accident, is meant to illicit disgustingness. It’s almost as bad as the words moist and quiche. Don’t get me wrong, I love quiche, but it’s a very sexual word, and no one wants to hear their mom ask if they want to taste their juicy quiche. Freud may disagree with me on that one. Continue Reading→

Talking on the Phone in Public – Ever heard of texting?

People’s voices are, for the most part, really annoying. Even people you like, over time, just get to you. The way they say things, their syntax and expressions, just the whole kit and caboodle (that term is heavily underutilized) will likely drive you nuts over time. That’s why we, as people, need some moments of silence, or you know, a couple hours of Homeland, in order to disconnect and forget that human interactions form the basis of our mundane lives.

Those voices, the oral window into the rotten souls of our fellow man, are made all the more insufferable when talking on their cell phones. They become louder, thinking that it’s still 2001 when talking on the phone was about as clear as a CB radio from space, and also, hearing just one side of a conversation is just aggravating.  Continue Reading→