Friends, bromans, countrymen, lend me your ear so I can tell you about all the shitty things we are doing to each other as a society. And not like the actual awful, criminal, immoral stuff, I’ll leave that to the justice system, our fledgling media and Anonymous. We’ll just cover the annoying shit we do that makes us all insufferable in our own unique ways.
You are me and I am you. We are all awful together, and for that, we should feel shame.
I am the guy at the coffee counter who even after spending five minutes in line doesn’t know what he wants. I am the woman who decides to sit next to you on a park bench, even though there are several unoccupied ones around and then proceed to gab to my friend on the phone while smoking a slim cigarette and wearing a Jessica Simpson edible perfume. I am the server who takes your plate away, even though there was a goddamn piece of gouda left that I was saving for my last bite. I am the annoying teen who gets a text or call every two minutes on the bus, and still hasn’t learned how to switch my Drake ringtone to vibration or silence.I am the old-timer in the wheelchair who barrels down the sidewalk on his scooter in a symbolic fist waving of old person bravado.
I am the Whore of Babylon. I am the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. I am the Walrus.
Well, I’m actually just some guy who started a whimsical blog to allow myself to cope with the large percentage of awful people that drive me fucking crazy.
We are all in this together, I just have more power in sentencing you to asinine punishments for the stupid shit we all do. But please, for my own sake and yours, when standing on an escalator, move to the goddamn right and I’ll be able to leave this world knowing that my ruthless attacks on society’s assholes was not in vain.