Let me start by saying I don’t hate babies. I hate what they become, as they mostly grow up to be people who lack any understanding of the societal norms that should govern our every action. But when they are in baby form, they are generally in my good books, because they are cute and don’t know how to talk yet. Obviously some babies are garbage, though that mostly has to do with teething and shitty parents. But goddamn, I hate every one of those stupid Baby on Board stickers more than I hate jaundice (which I’ve never had, but imagine is no picnic).
I hate the whole Baby on Board movement for two obvious reasons. First, anyone that sees fit to stick one to their back window drives like an absolute asshole. They seem to think that a dumb yellow sign gives them carte blanche to just entirely forget about those little lights on your car that flash in order to give the necessary warning to others that you’re about to turn.
Secondly, I find the notion that people need to be reminded that cars are carrying precious cargo, like kids and expensive lattes, and that you shouldn’t drive like an asshole around them, to be unnecessary. It’s as though drivers seem to think that it’s okay to cut people off, as long as they don’t have defenceless offspring strapped into a tiny plastic seat while Raffi blares from the stereo.
We should all be so lucky to live in a world where people just automatically assume that there is life emanating from the vehicles around them, and to not put said lives in danger while approaching road safety with reckless abandon. In the future, when cars are driven by robots like those taxis in Total Recall, you can cut those motherfuckers off willy-nilly, because worst case, you’ll kill yourself and maybe destroy an expensive machine. And when that day comes, yeah, we’ll make up some sign or app letting people know that living, breathing humans are in the car. That way, you won’t drive them off a cliff for shits and giggles, which would kinda be okay, and even fun, if it’s just a dumb robot that stole a human’s job. Automation terrorists, bracing their Luddite ideals, sounds like an awesome Kevin Costner, post-apocalyptic box office flop. I’m picturing a bunch of former FedEx drivers, still wearing the belittling uniforms, shorts and all, waging guerrilla warfare on Amazon drones and ruining Christmas for the elites who rule a barren wasteland filled with nothing but death, destruction and shiny touch-screens that take your food orders.
Though let this be my official pitch to Corporate America, that if we are going to put ‘on board’ signs on our vehicles, that they only be attributed to fast food consumption. For example, a “Starbucks on Board” sign, because driving a car with broken power steering while holding a coffee is a hell of a lot more precarious and dangerous than driving around with some kid who is securely sitting in a car seat with more straps on it than an electric chair. A “Chipotle on Board” sign would be even more fitting, seeing as the driver could, at any moment, go into some kind of significant food-borne illness event and be forced to drive around like an absolute maniac while trying to find a public toilet (or a suitable garbage can). Also, driving around while eating a 12 inch burrito is not safe, but oh so fucking delicious and fun.Sentence: Anyone caught using a Baby on Board sign, and then using said sign to justify being an absolute dick on our roadways, will get two days at Society Camp. An extra day will be added to your sentence if no actual kid is in the car. Take that shit down if the baby is not on board, or better yet, burn it and start taking the bus. If you’re worried about what you’re going to do with your little bundle of
joy debt during your sentence, don’t worry, we have a free Society Camp day(s)care where we focus on fixing all the shitty things you have ingrained into your kid, especially their superiority complex. Guess what Timmy, you aren’t that great, you’ll never be President, you suck at soccer, and pretty much all sports, and we would be utterly and completely shocked if you ever find someone in your adult years who will genuinely love you and your many, many faults and annoying tendencies.
Reform Punishment: You will have to retake driver’s ed, because you’ve clearly forgotten the responsibility that comes with driving a vehicle. The entire in-car portion of the class will include a sound track that is made up entirely of Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”, because clearly you’ve forgotten. If you can make it through driving a car for 2-3 days while that god-awful song plays the entire time, without following through on the urge to Thelma & Louise yourself off of a cliff, you can handle a screaming kid covered in their own feces.
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Take it from someone who has spent a large portion of their life apologizing for the societal sins of his parents, that when it comes to you being a selfish dick on behalf of your kids, your baby is definitely not on board.