I can’t believe we’re here, that miserable time of the year where leaves are still on the trees, snow is nowhere in sight, kids are just back at school and we haven’t even had goddamn Halloween yet, but people everywhere are trying to buoy their spirits by jumping on the Christmas bandwagon. Stores are ALREADY pushing their shitty Christmas decorations that are 90 percent carcinogens down our throats, right there next to the Halloween ones. People are taking the initiative to engage in pointless arguments about if it’s okay to say Merry Christmas or not, as though such urgency is required for a phrase you shouldn’t have to say for another 2 and a half shit-filled months. In short, people are spending their hard earned money, and easily lost time, on Christmas, in October, and that is not okay.
The word Christmas should not be uttered in October and really most, if not all, of November. At this point in the year, Christmas should remain a distant memory that evokes anxiety and nausea while highlighting your previous failures to meet unrealistic expectations. Oh no, you didn’t manage to overpay for a shitty, plush toy that emerges from a plastic egg, and now your kid thinks your a piece of shit, forever. That kid will never forget your failure as a parent and as a consumer, and when you find them face-down in a pool of their own vomit with a syringe sticking out of their arm, you know who to blame. And it’s not like you’ll know what stupid toy is hot till a week before Christmas, so there is no point now, in fucking October, to try and guess. Because you know what, kids like stupid things, so you may think the SNES Classic will be a hit with the kiddies, but it won’t (only with us olds), and instead, your kid will be yearning for some dumb half horse, half sea lion that plays the drums while putting on a light-show and doubling as an Easy-Bake Oven that only bakes macaroons (okay that sounds awesome and if it exists, you should go buy it right now because that level of wizardry will not stay on the shelves for long).
And here at Society Camp, we are already getting your letters asking us about Christmas etiquette in these early days. So clearly, many of you are already confused and lost about what to feel and when. Worried about preparations for a holiday season so far away that you don’t even know if Trump will have destroyed the world by then? Imagine how annoying it would be to buy the Horse-Sea Lion Disco Drummer/Macaroon Maker (patent pending) and then have a nuclear Apocalypse destroy all your hard work? So annoying is the right answer. So without further ramblings, we bring you another installation of our Fail Bag, where our loyal readers from across the globe seek guidance and the reassurance that comes from learning that no, it’s not okay for a coworker to clip their nails at work, and the like.
Mallory Simpson from Kingston, Ontario:
I just went to a family Thanksgiving dinner (Editor’s Note: in Canada Thanksgiving is actually about the harvest and not genocide, so it takes place when tomatoes start to get affected by frost) and low and behold, on the drink table was not one, but TWO, eggnog cartons. One of them was a pumpkin-spice flavour, so perhaps that makes it okay, but just seems early to bring out the Nog in October?
Mallory, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. I’m not sure what’s worse, the beyond early showing of eggnog, or the fact that it has now fallen victim to the pumpkin spice craze?Let’s first start with the eggnog elephant in the room and say flat-out that in no fucking universe is it okay to already be drinking eggnog. Forget the fact that it tastes like utter dog-shit (it was invented by adding cinnamon and cloves to rotten milk, probably), but to bring it out now is just a total disregard for our liberties in not having Christmas shoved down our throats. I think it may be time to get a new family. Eggnog should only be consumed a week before Christmas, and then a week after (when you get all those .99 cent cartoons on liquidation and drink yourself into an early, creamy and disgusting grave).
Now let’s get to the fucking pumpkin spice debacle. Corporations have come to learn that you can just take anything that doesn’t sell between September 15 and November 15, add pumpkin spice to it, and watch as stupid people handover their money. I even saw pumpkin spice after-shave one time, which I guess could even convince Santa to shave. I hope you took that pumpkin eggnog, flushed it down the toilet, and told your family you were adopted so you would never have to see them again. The only reason to buy eggnog this early, is if someone in your family has recently gone missing, and they are gracing the eggnog carton under one of those MISSING thingamabobs. That is literally the only thing I’ll accept, even knowing full-well that the missing person probably high-tailed it out of the family on account of how awful they are come Christmas season (which apparently now runs from the first day of fall all the way until Valentine’s Day).
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Gregory Karl from Lisbon, Portugal (and beyond):
Hello Society Camp! I’m currently taking a year sabbatical, travelling the world with my beautiful family. It really has been an amazing experience, and we’ve grown a lot together and embraced oneness, while getting to know each other on on a truly personal level. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the sunset of the Serengeti with the people you love! Seeing as October is upon us, which of course means preparing for the joy and festivities that are the winter holidays, and Christmas for those who observe it, I’m curious to know if it would be okay to celebrate our love of Jesus and Santa in a country that may not practice it? We will be deep within the Buddhist confines of Myanmar for much of December, and was curious to know if it would be in poor taste to celebrate Christmas in-front of Buddhists? I’ll need to start preparing gift buying and decorations soon, as I’m already late in my usual prep schedule, seeing as it’s already mid October, so any insight you could provide would be splendidly awesome. Thanks friend!
Right off the bat, I’ll be honest, I don’t like you. First you have one of those two first name names, and secondly the amount of humble-brag emanating from you is just sickening. Your family is probably not all that beautiful, FYI. You most likely have one of those awkward eight year olds that one day, may grow up to be borderline handsome or what have you, but is currently just the personification of ridicule. Like one day, they will look back on your sabbatical photos (awful phrase) and just think, jesus, I was an awkward kid with a horrible haircut, ears too big for my face, no fashion sense, and parents that clearly didn’t love me enough if they let me out into the world looking like an eight year old version of an adult Prince Charles.
As for the sunsets of the Serengeti, are you fucking kid me with this shit? You think the sun looks any different just because you were on some overpriced safari where you thought you were eating wild game meat, but were really just eating frozen chicken? And then to insinuate that someone “hadn’t lived” till being able to spend two grand a person to watch a sunset with some fucking gazelles in the distance, just makes me want to feed you to lions. Did it look like the sun, all pink and shit, just with more flies? I haven’t seen the sun from that locale, but still have a pulse, so would consider myself alive, and don’t think a trip to the Serengeti would make me realize that I’ve been symbolically lifeless this whole time. There are literally more than a billion places throughout the world with breathtaking sunsets, some of them are within walking distance from my house.
Now onto your stupid question. First of all, stop. Just stop everything about you and your goddamn Christmas prep. You are travelling the world with your family, which apart form including you, sounds like a special time. How about just embracing the cultures you get to expose your kids to and skip the whole Christmas charade? If you want to have a family dinner, give the kids a little gift, that’s fine, but if you think spending two months organizing a magical Christmas in Myanmar is time well spent, you’re more of a moron than I originally thought. The last thing locals want to see is you decorating a traditional stilt house with your tacky lights and pine needles you had flown in from Minnesota. Don’t worry, if you skip JC’s birthday just one time, you’ll still be an insufferable prick and your kids will still not love you just the same.
Also “splendidly awesome”, just fuck you, you’re the absolute worst.
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Jane Klandyke from Berkeley, California:
I just wanted you to know that you seem like a really unstable individual who is as close to a real-life scrooge that I could ever imagine. Good riddance!
Let this be a lesson to us all, that the only time that it’s okay to bring Christmas into a discussion in October, is when someone calls you a scrooge for how much you shit on people and their traditions. Being a scrooge is okay all year long, especially come Christmas, when the fucking Bing Crosby tunes blaring from every single store speaker and car stereo are enough to turn even the sanest and kindest of individuals into John Wayne Gacey. Look, I like getting drunk and not having to go to work for a week just as much as the next guy, but I also don’t need the three month run-up to December 25, for a holiday celebrating the birth of a dude, who was most likely born sometime in March, and just to be clear, unlike the snow, wasn’t white (which shouldn’t be a big deal, but let’s see if Alabamians would still celebrate Christmas if they realized Jesus was Arab). Answer, they wouldn’t.
Celebrate the holidays however you want, but if you serve eggnog in early October; or play Christmas tunes in November; or hang lights outside your house before the pumpkins have had time to completely rot; and all the litany of other bullshit people do in keeping with egregious and aggressive Christmas prep, you deserve all the scorn let in this scorn-filled world, in addition to a lump of charcoal in the tacky stocking that you made sure to hang up before Remembrance Day.
Sentence: Anyone caught preparing for, or serving items associated with, Christmas, anytime before December 1 (I’m being generous with that) will receive two days at Society Camp. That’s right, two whole fucking days.
Reform Punishment: You will have to do all my Christmas prep, which sounds fun, until you realize it involves setting up elaborate, Dickens inspired hauntings of people I don’t like, which is a lot of people. And this isn’t like full-on Dickens style, let’s teach them to be a better person by showing them how shitty their life will become if they don’t change their ways, but like straight-up hauntings. It’s a lot of work that takes up a lot of my free time and will result in some heart attacks that will be entirely on you. You’ll be forced to break into people’s homes, wait in their closets for them to fall asleep, and then run out in the middle of the night wearing a costume made entirely of sheep entrails while screaming nonsensical gibberish, mostly in the form of Trump tweets. I like to call it
Merry Scary Christmas.