Fuck Your Baby on Board…Sign

Let me start by saying I don’t hate babies. I hate what they become, as they mostly grow up to be people who lack any understanding of the societal norms that should govern our every action. But when they are in baby form, they are generally in my good books, because they are cute and don’t know how to talk yet. Obviously some babies are garbage, though that mostly has to do with teething and shitty parents. But goddamn, I hate every one of those stupid Baby on Board stickers more than I hate jaundice (which I’ve never had, but imagine is no picnic).  Continue Reading→

Sick at Work: Infecting colleagues with germs instead of negativity

I don’t know about you, but before joining the Society Camp ranks, I was pretty damn sick of my 9-5, as you all should be, because they suck your soul out in exchange for money and shitty coffee. But one thing that is not okay, is making work sick.

Some of you may have noticed by now that I’m a fairly crotchety fellow on my best days, and often infect any place of work I attend with negative attitudes. And that is okay, because we all need a healthy dose of negativity to make sure we don’t become that insufferable asshole who shows up to work on Mondays with a smile on his stupid face. And also, people at work do disgusting and inconsiderate things that they deserve to be called out on and mocked incessantly for. But no matter how annoying, stupid, ignorant or joyless your colleagues may be, they don’t deserve your cold or flu. On second thought, most of them probably do, but for the sake of this discussion, you shouldn’t pass on your viruses and germs onto colleagues, no matter how many times they irritate, and test, every fiber of your moral and ethical being.  Continue Reading→

Fail Bag: The Christmas is coming edition

I can’t believe we’re here, that miserable time of the year where leaves are still on the trees, snow is nowhere in sight, kids are just back at school and we haven’t even had goddamn Halloween yet, but people everywhere are trying to buoy their spirits by jumping on the Christmas bandwagon. Stores are ALREADY pushing their shitty Christmas decorations that are 90 percent carcinogens down our throats, right there next to the Halloween ones. People are taking the initiative to engage in pointless arguments about if it’s okay to say Merry Christmas or not, as though such urgency is required for a phrase you shouldn’t have to say for another 2 and a half shit-filled months. In short, people are spending their hard earned money, and easily lost time, on Christmas, in October, and that is not okay.  Continue Reading→

Your Ideas Stink, Stop Trying

Society Camp is a lonely place, and not lonely in the sense that there aren’t lots of people around, because there are, but more so, because all those people are awful and spending time with them makes you a worse person. So for the most part, as the Camp Director, I have a lot of time time to kill in-between administering reform punishments, and that mostly involves Netflix, alcohol, and a healthy amount of introspection. All that to say, I’ve been watching a shit-tonne of Shark Tank, where mostly fake millionaires, and Mark Cuban, make investments in ideas/entrepreneurs that probably never come to fruition once they’ve combed through the numbers and realize that all people trying to raise money are filthy liars. Continue Reading→

Elevating Elevator Use

I’m trying hard, very hard, not to lose my shit on people who seem to not know that human decency is personified in how one uses a goddamn elevator. How can something that seems so basic, a box on a pulley that ushers plebs up and down to their meaningless jobs and shitty condos, be fraught with so much absurd confusion and a lack of self-awareness?

Look, maybe if I had this thing people keep raving about, “cardio”, I’d be okay with taking the stairs and avoiding the horror that is walking into a box filled with awful scents and worse people. But unfortunately for all involved, I gave up on personal fitness and put all my eggs in the ‘science will soon invent a pill that saves me from ever having to set foot on an elliptical‘ basket. I guess that pill kinda already exists in the form of a methamphetamine, which has been used in the pharmaceutical weight-loss game for decades, but I like my teeth and also, those people have shitty cardio, but can fit into anything made by Gucci. Cocaine would probably also work, in the event you wanted to broaden your horizons.  Continue Reading→