Every asshole has a blog now, and a shit one at that. Look, anyone who has ever felt swayed by the power of holding a pen and writing prose thinks that they are fucking Orwell or Hemingway. Well guess what dipshit, that one short story you wrote in high school that won some bullshit prize doesn’t make you a writer. Same goes for the blog you just started. You may think that it will be your ticket to Wes Anderson’s attention and a spot at a writing table, or your first publisher/movie deal like that former blogger who wrote Juno, her name escapes me but it sounds like some maniacal circus lion tamer (edit – Google tells me her name is Diablo, nailed the description). But more likely, blogging will just become some frustrating pastime that you force your friends, family and colleagues into reading. Guess what, they tell you they like it, but they only read the headline, the intro and the last line and mutter under their breath “what a dipshit”. But if, for the love of all fucking things sacred in the writing world, you decide to force your stupid opinions and prose onto the world, have the fucking dedication to write a post more than once every other month and give your Jewish mother even the slightest reason to feel remotely proud of you.
For every good blog out there, there is a Civil War style field filled with dead ones (just picture post-battle scenes in The Patriot and put aside the guilty feelings you have of liking a character even though you know in real life the actor is a piece of horseshit). And some of those dead/maimed blogs were probably decent, maybe even bordering on good, but you won’t build up a fan base or any chance of ever having more than 12 readers if you don’t post your absurd and unresearched opinions on a daily, or at least, weekly basis.
Who do you think you are? You think if Shakespeare just banged out a play every ten years we’d know who the fuck he is? Hello no, the only reason he’s a thing is because the dude was just throwing up plays all over the place (so much so that people think he didn’t even write them all, and probably didn’t, because I choose to believe that all writers are lazy like me, as it makes me feel better about said laziness). Not to mention, if you don’t constantly write, you just won’t get better. Do you think Steph Curry is good at basketball just because of his natural ability? No, it’s because the little dipshit has taken more basketball shots than William Burroughs took heroin ones. And also, as he’d like you to believe, because of divine intervention (god is all about them sports and too busy to worry about shit like earthquakes in Ecuador).
All this to say, if you’re going to force a shitty blog onto the world, at least have the courage and work ethic to make it a thing and not post to it with the same lackluster gumption as your gym routine (one session after New Year’s, and once before the first time you realize you will have to wear a bathing suit in public).
Sentence: Anyone caught telling their friends that they’ve started a blog, and forcing them to read it, and then not posting their shitty blog posts at least once a week, will be sentenced to half a day at Society Camp.
Reform Punishment: You will be forced to spend the entire sentence in a room with my Jewish mother, who will guilt you into being a better person, or at least, her ideal of one. After she grills you on why on earth did you choose a fucking writing/arts career over one that actually pays a living wage, she will then ridicule you for being a failing one at that and remind you that it’s never too late to become a doctor.
Editor’s note: This post took me all of 28 minutes to write and edit, I really am a dipshit.