Another miserable year has come to a close. The only real difference between 2015 and 2016 is we don’t yet know what awful stuff humanity has in store. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it has something to do with continuing to enable gun crime, more armed conflicts that result in further armed conflicts, celebs doing dickish things with little to no consequence, and of course, all you plebs breaking the rules that make society moderately more hospitable and ending up in Society Camp. We receive a lot of mail here at Society Camp. It includes hate mail, directed at yours truly, mostly from parents thinking I’m too harsh on their kids who will never amount to anything more than misery and household debt. We also receive lots of letters and emails (it’s 2016 people, stop it with the handwritten letters) from readers all over the world who think they have spotted something that is Society Camp worthy. More often than not, the letters do accurately address some shitty behaviour that is best met with swift Society Camp reform. But from time to time, some of you send in suggested Society Camp worthy actions that are just plain wrong, and if anything, make you sound like someone who would be well served to spend some time here at Society Camp, in an attempt to repair your broken personality.
Below is a compiled list where we will share some of the most egregious Society Camp suggestions or criticisms from a segment of our loyal, but stupid, readers. Sure some of them meant well (others just seem to be assholes that don’t like me, at least they have good judgement), but we can’t have people out there thinking they are on team Society Camp, when really, they sound like dipshits. Because guess what, we may be judgmental, often times a little too harsh, but there are some things people do out in the real world that don’t rile our feathers. So here we go, a look back at the 2015 worst reader mail.
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Judy from Antigonish, Nova Scotia
Dearest Society Camp, I’m a fan. I wouldn’t say a ‘big’ fan or anything, in thinking about it, I probably wouldn’t even say I’m a fan at all, I just sometimes read your posts that have been left open on my son’s computer. I often snoop through his laptop in the hopes of finding his internet browsing history. He’s a good kid, as the only vile thing I really find on there is your blog. No pornography, no sites about how to acquire or do drugs. Nothing about rap music, thank goodness. Only the occasional Society Camp rant-filled post about some ho-hum act someone does that you seem to think is more heinous than murder (side-note, there is nothing wrong with whistling at work!). Anyway, you may not fully agree with me, but I just can’t get behind all the swearing in your posts. You clearly are an articulate person with some passion for what you do, but why all the ‘f’ and ‘s’ words? And this leads me to my Society Camp worthy suggestion, that anyone caught swearing in public or on the internet, should spend some time at your establishment. I think we can both agree that kids shouldn’t be exposed to vile language?
Firstly, you’re an idiot if you think your teenage son is a good kid. Are you aware about the clearing of internet browsing history? Well he certainly is. I wonder if he’s into some weird fetish yet, like crime scene porn? The answer is: probably. Secondly, going through your sons computer is a real dick move. I imagine that when he moves out, you’ll only see him at Christmas so he can get some cash and clean his clothes with bleach after yet another murder scene foray.
Now to the matter at hand. Do I swear a lot? Fucking right I do. I try and tone it down at times, but when society presents one with so much shitbaggery, it’s hard to keep it all in. Also, recent studies suggest that people who swear a lot actually have a greater vocabulary than you goody two-shoes. Also, swearing is just one more way to have fun with words. The first time I heard the term “fuckface”, as a young impressionable child, I knew my calling would somehow involve the fun and creativity involved with language of all kinds. Fuckface, it just fucking works, and you know it! Do I think people should swear in every instant of their mundane lives, probably not. But when requiring emphasis, or just feeling randy, a properly timed ‘son of a bitch’ is therapeutic, to say the least. Also fuck is a beautiful word. There is a reason it has been universally embraced, as it rolls off the tongue with some serious bite and can be used to convey the full spectrum of emotion. If it weren’t for the outlet that swearing provides me, I have no doubt that I would have killed someone already, which as we know, probably would give your sick kid some kind of arousal.
Trust me, I try pretty hard to tone it down around these parts, so take it easy with the word shaming. As for kids, though I encourage children to read this blog in the hopes that we can prevent them from growing up to become miserable jerks, they do so at their own peril. This isn’t Boston Pizza, family fun (and pasta deep fried onto a pizza cone covered in poutine which is then covered in Caesar salad) is not our thing. When around babies, I try and keep it to your run of the mill “shit”, “fuck”, because babies are stupid and words are just sounds to them, but I still try. Toddlers I do my best to keep it to “bastard” and the like. But anyone over the age of five has heard it all, and I won’t be censored by some kid that is just overcoming the harsh realization of the aging process that comes when one must begin to wipe their own ass.
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Doug from Orleans, Ontario
I’ve heard you refer to ‘Doug from Orleans’ at least three different times on this crap of a blog. I know you are just doing it because of what you think is a boring sounding name, while poking fun of what you think is a cookie-cutter suburb. But it’s starting to make my friends and family look at me differently, as though I’m actually involved with this waste of a website. Please use someone else’s name (and neighbourhood) as your whipping boy. Not all Doug’s are bad/lame people.
Wrong, Doug has to be one of the worst names on the planet. Have you ever met a Doug that you actually liked? And yes Doug, I’m asking you. There’s no way you look in the mirror and are happy with what you see. Sure the name your awful parents bestowed upon you is not as bad as the “Brodys”, “Chesters”, “Coltons” and “Skylers” of the world, but at least they have the bravado and over-confidence that come with names only suitable for a Lacrosse player and/or an Abercrombie and Fitch model. But Dougs have none of that. Just some dude that is only invited to parties when people need more ice. Also, Orleans is garbage.
Thanks for your letter, you just ensured another year of references to your name and shitty neighbourhood. When I Googled “famous people named Doug”, the #1 guy on the list is some YouTube star (that has to be an oxymoron). You really shouldn’t have included your phone number at the bottom of your email. I just spent the past two months on a road-trip, and made sure to scribble it on every Denny’s bathroom wall on the eastern seaboard.
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Curtis from Chicago, IL
Hi Society Camp. I love your blog and I’m always on the lookout for some crappy things I see around my hometown of Chicago and take note of them accordingly. Being a big city, I see a lot of things that I think are Society Camp worthy, but perhaps none as bad as what I saw yesterday, something so awful that I had to write to you to ensure that it’s captured in the annals of Society Camp history. When doing some shopping yesterday at a large mall, I saw someone aggressively forcing his way down an escalator. It was a busy weekend, the mall was packed. The escalator was jammed from top to bottom, and this guy had the gall to walk down the left side, shouting excuse me and hardly giving people a moment to move over while he made his way down. This guy is a monster right? How long should we put him in Society Camp? Keep on rocking in the free world!
Jesus, do you even read this blog? Not standing side-by-side on escalators is the fucking tag line. The guy you are describing is a goddamned hero. No one, ever, should stand side-by-side on escalators. If anything, saying “excuse me” is too nice. He should have just barreled them over and let the sharp teeth of the escalator teach them a harsh lesson in etiquette. The escalator’s function is not to serve as your legs, simply to speed up the whole process. But if you choose to stand on it like some lazy asshole, move to the right of the thing so people who embrace the gift of movement can walk down the escalator. I don’t care how busy it is. I’ve been in metro stations throughout Europe that are jammed to the teats with people, and they move to the fucking right if not walking down. If anything, this approach speeds up the whole shebang. Also, your closing line of, “keep on rocking in the free world”, I just can’t. I don’t even know where to start. If I was Neil Young, I’d literally have you killed.
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Juliette from Sydney, Australia
Hello from Australia! Just a quick note on something I saw the other day that I found quite odd and Society Camp worthy. While walking down a busy commercial street, a tourist who had clearly drank too much, took off his shirt exposing an ungodly fat stomach that was so pale it blinded me with the sun’s reflection. I guess I just thought that it was gross and people who look like that and take off their shirt in public should be sent to Society Camp.
Oh boy. Firstly, this is rich coming form an Australian. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of you wear sleeves, ever. Seriously, it’s just an endless sea of tank tops. I’ve seen Australians all over the world (you guys seem to bartend your way across the globe), and not once have sleeves been a part of their attire. And I’m talking cold places to. Just because you all have sexy accents and tanned skin does not mean you can’t own at least one shirt with sleeves. It doesn’t even have to be long-sleeved, just anything really, even a Luke Perry white tee with the arms rolled up a bit, you know, to hold cigarettes. But anyway, the day you guys learn to stop wearing beachwear, when not at an actual beach, is the day I’ll take your suggestion seriously to shame people for taking their shirts off in public.
Also, let’s quit it with body shaming. If some large dude is comfortable enough to go topless in a busy place, that is a thing of beauty. So only people with six packs can pop off their shirt? Like all the hours in the gym or genetic gifts result in them being granted an exception? There are places where people shouldn’t take their shirts off, like pretty much any place where swimming is not involved, but it has nothing to do with how they look. Anyway, maybe if you weren’t a horrible fattist, and Australian, I’d take your suggestion seriously. But really, all I can muster is a stern warning to get some fucking sleeves and a real job, mate.
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Doug from Orleans, Ontario
Why did you just prank call my house? I know it was you. I said hello and you just told me to shut-up and that I had a stupid name. Also, people keep calling me and asking if I’m up for a good time. I hate you.
It was me who called. Shut-up, Doug, no one likes you (except for all those creepy Denny’s bathroom dwellers, so you have that going for you).
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Kurt from New York, New York
Dear Society Camp. Being a New Yorker, I’m constantly surrounded by people. Lots of people. In general, they don’t bother me too much. Heck, I even like living somewhere where there are so many different types of people and cultures. I find it enriching. But with all the good stuff of a big city, comes the bad stuff, and in this case, it’s sports. The other day, I saw a guy wearing a Yankees cap and a Mets jacket. This is just wrong, as you can’t support two different teams. Maybe he’s just covering his bases, but really, I think that such sport team flexibility is a cop-out. A real fan has to live through both the highs, and in speaking of the Mets, the many, many lows. I don’t know what’s worse, supporting two different teams in the same sport (and city!), or bandwagoning onto a team that happens to be good at a particular moment (i.e. current Golden State Warriors fans)? Should these people be sent to Society Camp?
I almost didn’t finish your email. After reading ‘heck’, and you talking about being enriched by people, people from New York no less, I simply felt sick to my stomach. But I continued. Here’s the thing Kurt, you’re not entirely wrong, but in general, you missed the whole point. Sports fandom of any kind is simply stupid. You are supporting a bunch of millionaires that could literally give two shits about you or the city you call home. They are there because some rich asshole, who also doesn’t give a shit about your city and would move the team in a heartbeat if a better venue/city made an offer, pays them millions of dollars to do so. Any pay cut an athlete takes to stay with a team is only because they don’t want to move their kid out of some school or some other stupid shit like that. It has literally nothing to do with loyalty to fans.
So I’d say anyone wearing a teams’ merchandise is worthy of some kind of judgement. The only team you should truly care about is your own fantasy team, because at least that has the ever so slight possibility of making you money, versus the other option, which is guaranteed to take your money (you can buy a kidney on the Thai black market for less than a nosebleed seat to a Knicks game). I’ve seen people get angry over “their” team losing or cry tears of joy when they win. Get over it. It’s not your team, you have nothing to do with their success or failures, other than bankrolling them. In general, it’s important to know that all sport fans are garbage, but those from New England have their own special place in hell. It has been scientifically proven that anyone who owns and wears a Patriots hat is probably a sociopath.
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Doug from Orleans, Ontario
Please, please, please stop calling my house and stop writing my phone number on seedy bathroom walls, my wife is getting concerned.
Jesus, Doug, someone actually married you? Who in their right fucking mind would marry a dude named Doug? I’m guessing the same type of person that would start a pen pall relationship with Charles Manson.
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The below note we received may take the cake for worst letter of 2015.
Grace from Mobile, Alabama
Hello. I get that this is a ‘fun’ humor blog, but I’ve had it up to here with your quips about religion and god not existing. You don’t know everything, and from the looks of your horrible website, it seems you know very little. God emphatically does exist, I’ve seen His power with my own eyes. He may not impact your life, because you are clearly a sinner and He doesn’t reward those who choose to disobey His word. God brings many people joy, and ensures that we get to experience life in all its glory. Enjoy burning for the rest of time, in the fiery depths of hell.
Up to here? That saying doesn’t translate to written communication. Up to where, exactly? When writing that, did you use your hand to show my where it is, you’ve had it up to? You should have included a picture for reference sake.
Okay, religion, where to start. Look, as we’ve stated in previous posts, we are people of faith, and by that, I mean we have very little of it after looking at all the shitty things humanity has done. I have literally zero faith in mankind. Also, as has been written on this blog many times, we could care less with how you practice your own faith, as long as you don’t spew your shit onto other people. Like telling them they will be going to hell because they don’t believe in the same fairy tales that you do. I’m not saying god doesn’t exist (I don’t think he does, but who the fuck knows right?). But I am saying that literally 99% of the shit written in the Bible did not happen. It was a book written by a bunch of dudes a long time after your boy Jesus was murdered by us Jews (Mel Gibson was my Sunday school teacher). It was a book meant to keep control over a populous, and has since made many undeserving people rich and powerful (and many more deserving ones poor and dead). If you want to believe in it, go ahead. But don’t judge other people because they don’t necessarily agree in the literal word of a book, like thinking that a women should be stoned to death for having some hot sex before they have been bequeathed to another. Just practice in your own way, in your own circle, and don’t hold up the rest of the world to your strict set of misguided ideals. And not to single out you Christians, all religions that believe that their word is bond, are more or less garbage.
The best part of religious people is how cocky they are. So you think out of the hundreds of religions out there, your parents happened to have forced you into the right one? Get over yourself. But to those who dig Sundays (or whatever day your faith has labeled as the one) because it’s a time for family, and introspection, I’m all for that. It’s also helped people get clean, find some purpose, all that jazz that provides society with some positive contributions. But don’t kid yourself that it doesn’t also bring with it some sordid baggage that leads to wars and conflicts and broken homes and just a whole litany of misery and heartbreak. Just like anything in society, it’s deeply flawed. Just practice it in your own way, and be sure to not ask me if I’ve accepted the lord and savior into my life, because unless you’re talking about Lebron James, I haven’t. And if you honestly believe that some kid is going to spend eternity in purgatory because some virgin didn’t sprinkle dirty tap water onto their forehead, you are a bad person of little intelligence.
Also, if god does exist and is letting you bask in his glory as you put it, what about all those kids he gives leukemia to? Or all those homes and lives lost to natural disasters. And before you say “it’s part of his plan”, let me remind you that throughout history, monsters have existed who also had a master plan that tried to prop up one set of beliefs/people, while murdering millions of others. They’re called dictators. This is a good time to close out this post, as it will ensure we replenish our hate mail for 2016. Amen!
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Have a great 2016, and don’t let this post make you shy from sending in mail, hate or other, to firstname.lastname@example.org. Wherever you find yourself in this cold, desolate planet, just remember, you may be surrounded by shitty people with little to no regard for you well being, but Society Camp, your moral compass, will continue to shine like a beacon through the fog of humanity.