Humans are filled with disgusting fluids, it’s just a scientific fact that we can’t escape. Over the years, we have found various ways to rid ourselves of these unwanted fluids in discrete ways. Gone are the days of throwing chamber pots out the window and onto busy streets. No longer do we frequent dusty saloons riddled with overflowing spittoons. Yet still, some people find it necessary, in our modern times, to fucking hork and then spit on the sidewalk. The word hork, by no accident, is meant to illicit disgustingness. It’s almost as bad as the words moist and quiche. Don’t get me wrong, I love quiche, but it’s a very sexual word, and no one wants to hear their mom ask if they want to taste their juicy quiche. Freud may disagree with me on that one.
When I was a young boy travelling through India, I can recall the globs of red spit from all the betel nut they’d chomp on. And I’m not talking little spits, these guys with their dyed red teeth were launching puddles of red saliva all over the place. In some areas, like bus stops, you couldn’t take a fucking step without your shoes getting covered in some guy’s vice. I thought those days were behind me. I thought I now lived in a time where I could walk the streets without fear of getting putrid saliva anywhere near my person, but as we all know, we are living in a flawed society.
Just yesterday, a UPS guy sharing the elevator with me started to hork, you know, the throat sounds that gross people do when they start collecting the various viscous rich fluids from the back of their throat, in order to amass as much vileness in one glob before promptly spitting it onto public streets. Streets that our taxes pay to clean, only to have some asshole filthy it with their mucous filled spit (excuse me while I quickly throw up in my own mouth). Needless to say, I will never be using UPS again and sincerely hope that years from now, that delivery guy is horking on a deserted island while talking nonsense to a volleyball.
The argument is always, well, I don’t want to swallow that shit. Well of course you don’t, but do you think we want to see, hear and potentially walk into your nasty fluids? When horking/spitting, something that we all must unfortunately do at times (when sick or you know, nursing a 40 year smoking habit) pick the time and place. And by that, I mean go to a bathroom, your house, or preferably a cave somewhere in the outskirts of town.
But for the love of Christ, don’t just go around town spitting your hateful globs of repugnance in front of good people. It’s just fucking gross.
Sentence: Anyone caught horking in a public place, will be sentenced to two days at Society Camp.
Reform Punishment: You will find yourself siting in a room with Rob Ford, who will be given unlimited quantities of orange juice, the most mucous inducing liquid in the world, and forced to watch him engage in a hork/spit cycle onto a shooting range target placed between his legs. We will ask Mr. Ford, perhaps the most repulsive human on earth, to even do that thing you did as a kid, when you’d see how long you could make the spit go before breaking away and falling to the floor. We are told that Mr. Ford is a bit of a pro at this and can pretty much have it touch the ground before slurping it back into his revolting mouth, while still standing. Just threw up in my mouth again. Why did I write this post? See the sacrifices we at Society Camp make for the betterment of society? Fucking Rob Ford mucous, that’s sacrifice.
Just don’t fucking hork. Take a bullet for the team and swallow that shit or become a doomsday prepper that lives alone in the woods and hork your stupid little heart out. I’m going to go take a shower, I feel dirty.