Just like Fight Club, the first rule of fantasy sports should be you don’t talk about fantasy sports. I view fantasy sports like I view religion, in that everyone is entitled to practice whatever they’d like, but I don’t want to hear about it and will ruthlessly mock you if you try and convince me that Jonah did in fact survive three days in the belly of whale or that Tim Tebow is an NFL caliber quarterback.
Fantasy season is in full swing now, thanks to its main squeeze football. Surely you’ve overheard, or god forbid, have directly been involved in a discussion with someone going on about their fantasy football team(s). For some people, fantasy season is literally the most compelling and stressful time in their lives. What with deciding between who to start, and the crisis management that goes into dealing with an injured player. It’s time consuming and will turn all your loved ones against you. Even your fantasy friends, who you start the season with on good terms, will become your enemies because of their dirty tricks and petty complaints on the comment boards. Trust me when I tell you that a waiver wire argument can get more heated than divorce proceedings.
For the sake of the real-life relationships of fantasy players, we at Society Camp have come up with some simple rules to follow to ensure you don’t become an insufferable prick, or at least, more of one than you currently are.
1) When in a group of people who don’t play fantasy football, shut your goddamn pie hole. They literally could care less about how and who you drafted or your waiver wire finds, it’s almost as bad as someone talking about their kids. Though in fantasy football’s defence, at least some people have a passing interest in football, whereas most people could literally give zero fucks about your child, unless of course, they play in the NFL. For the most part, people that don’t play fantasy sports won’t even know what you’re talking about, and will simply equate your hobby to a silly little game better suited to children. And they wouldn’t be wrong.
2) When you do find yourself in that magical moment of being encircled by a group of like-minded fantasy nerds, don’t talk about your own team and how great you drafted. It’s okay to ask them for advice, and like a first date, feign interest in what they’ve got going on with their team. But for the love of all things societal, don’t just go on about how you drafted Antonio Brown in the second round and Forte with the 9th pick of the first. Sure it’s impressive, but literally no one other than you could give a shit. And these fantasy folks are probably your last shot at a genuine human interaction, because no one else can stand you talking about Aaron Rodgers anymore.
3) Don’t play daily fantasy sport sites like DraftKings and FanDuel. Those things are a fucking scam. Fantasy sports are not about making money. Even the leagues you win, if you factor in the countless hours of research and stress, you’re probably making the same hourly wage as a kid selling lemonade outside in the dead of winter. And to be clear, that rate is negative dollars an hour. On the bright side, any kid that is dumb enough to do that probably has a bright future losing at fantasy sports…and at life.
Fantasy sports are all about bragging rights and making sports more entertaining, as opposed to your one shot of moving out of your parents’ place. Daily fantasy sport sites are the new online poker of the fantasy world. A place where all you schlubs are literally handing money over to a professional gambler with some complex algorithm who’s spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on multiple different teams. You can’t, and won’t, beat these guys, because math and money always win (that would be a killer title for a Bill Nye mixtape). Also, I can’t turn on the internet without getting bombarded with DraftKing ads, so a million fuck yous to that shitty company.
4) Don’t secretly get excited when your opponent’s star player goes down with a season ending injury. Think about how fucked up it is the next time you squeal with glee when Tony Romo goes down with yet another broken back from carrying the shitty Cowboys for so long. It may help you secure a couple hundred bucks and some bragging rights, but it could also mean the end of a career for some dude. How are athletes supposed to pay for all those houses, cars and ex-wives if there’s no more money coming in? Become an analyst, I guess. If it’s Big Ben or Michael Vick, or pretty much anyone from the Steelers or Ravens, it’s totally okay. If Ray Lewis still played and got a career ending injury, I’d literally rent a yacht and blow my life savings on the biggest party of the year. It would be an amazing time, until Ray Lewis stabbed me, because only god is watching and he’s no snitch.
5) Perhaps the most important rule of the bunch is don’t play fantasy sports. They will suck any precious time you have in your shitty life, making you more unproductive and unlikable. Every Sunday during football season will be spent checking your phone or watching NFL Red Zone for 12 hours straight while you eat Cheetos and pee into a diaper to avoid the time suck that is bowel movement.
You will invest countless hours, lose your loved ones, alienate your colleagues (that’s actually a bonus), and turn friends into enemies, all for the sake of maybe being a champion, in the absolute loosest sense of the world. Imagine when you die, that the biggest accomplishment they can write on your tombstone is, “Here lies Gary, for one year, he was the best among a group of 11 other morons at drafting people into a fake football team. He couldn’t even throw a spiral.”
Sentence: Anyone caught talking about their fantasy football team outside of some subreddit, or breaking any of the above rules, will receive half a day at Society Camp.
Reform Punishment: You seem to really want to fantasize about being involved with a football team. Well, you’ll spend your time at Society Camp on our pristine sports field (i.e. AstroTurf), serving as a tackling dummy for another tackling dummy, JJ Watt. And before every snap, you’ll have to tell him your theory on why defensive players aren’t often used in fantasy sports because no one cares about them.
Full disclosure, most of this rage stems from how shitty my fantasy football team is this year.