I like my job, in that it gives me money to live and play with. But other than that, it’s really no more than a soul crushing environment filled with strangers who you’re forced to spend more time with than your own family or friends (who are bad enough as it stands).
To make matters worse, these people, if you can call them that (more like animals devoid of humour, compassion and intelligence), ensure that you dislike them even more by committing the various cardinal sins of the workplace. And the worst part is that you can never lash out or call them on it (other than anonymous, passive aggressive Post-it notes, which have probably averted countless workplace tragedies). You have to sit there and take it, as the last thing you want is having to spend even a single minute with an HR person, because they are literally the worst people on earth, similar to lawyers but without the smarts and penchant for blow.
Society Camp has many, many rules when it comes to workplace etiquette, because workplaces are literally the armpit of our society. A place where all the salty souls out there get even more crusty when brought together with like-minded assholes and crammed into cubicles where your only source of light comes from a shitty looking fluorescent lightsaber. Today, we’ll be focusing on some of the awful things people do in their workplace kitchenette, and punish them accordingly.
1) No fish in the microwave, ever. This is common sense, but so is “don’t murder people” and we all know how that goes. A good strategy around this is telling people you are deathly allergic to fish and even the smell will send you into anaphylactic shock. But here’s the kicker, people are ruthless when it comes to reheated salmon and will still defy your allergy for that warm taste of the ocean. The pungent smell of microwaved fish does not go away, for days and weeks sometimes. It’s worse than popcorn, another real fuck you microwave move.
2) Don’t institute a microwave monopoly. As in, don’t leave your shitty microwave dinner unattended and have to make someone stand there waiting for you to pick it up. You’re forcing them into the uncomfortable situation of manhandling your hot and flimsy tray and taking it out of the microwave, and maybe worrying that it’s not yet done. You know, having to deal with the whole plastic film and stir thing and putting it back in for another two minutes. It’s not up to them to cook your nutritionless lunch.
Even worse, don’t be that colleague (is there a worse word in the human language?) who brings in some frozen dinner that takes five minutes to heat up. If it needs more than 2 or 3 minutes, defrost it at your desk or eat a goddamn salad. I once waited twelve fucking minutes, TWELVE, for a dude to cook frozen solid lasagna, fuck that guy. If I ever saw him lying on the side of the road in pain and in need of help, I’d only stop to run over him. That’s how awful the twelve minute microwave monopoly was in my books.
People have limited time for lunch, if you need a fortnight to cook some frozen monstrosity, plan accordingly, and by that, I mean any time an hour before or an hour after the lunch rush. And if you see someone waiting for a 30 second soup reheat, pause your sodium delight and let them play through.
3) Have some kettle respect. You can’t start the kettle and come back 15 minutes later expecting boiled water. Someone will come and take it and that is totally within their right to do so. You sit and wait or you roll the hot beverage dice. If you are, however, that person that miraculously came upon boiled water ready for your brew, have the decency to refill and restart the kettle (if it has automatic shutoff that is, as people do hate work, but not enough to burn the office down to the ground with their colleagues still in it…debatable I guess).
4) Wash your damn dishes. This one doesn’t need an explanation. Not washing your dishes is pretty fucking obvious. Anyone who leaves their soiled dishes around to soak for longer than a half hour deserves whatever is right underneath the death penalty.
5) Be a fridge friend. Don’t leave your leftovers in the fridge for more than a week, but if you, do what I do and blame someone else for the moldy guac. “Fucking Gary again with his moldy guac”. Every office has a Gary that no one likes, trust me, it’s a solid out.
While on the subject of fridges, don’t steal. Sure, we’ve all been there, it’s early, you’re tired and need your coffee, only to remember that you don’t have milk. So you take a pinch. Just don’t make it a habit. A friend of mine had to deal with someone repeatedly stealing her yogurt, fruit and even a sandwich one time. And not mistaken theft, we’re talking opening a lunch bag theft. That is some crazy shit. Unless it’s something perishable that has been in the fridge for over five days, it’s never okay to eat someone else’s food…unless that person is an asshole who has great lunches. Stealing someone’s lunch, in my view, is more brazen than a bank heist.
Here’s a tip. If someone is stealing your milk on the regular, add some laxatives to it. Effective and hilarious.
Sentence: Anyone caught breaking any of the above rules will spend three days at Society Camp, as we here believe in our mission to make work less insufferable and are making examples out of people. Let that be a lesson in true leadership to all of you out there.
Reform Punishment: You will be forced to eat at Arby’s. I’m sorry we have to do this to you, it’s for your own good. Well actually, more so for the good of people around you. In all actuality, it will probably result in you being dead within two weeks from some horrible food-borne illness, or even the plague. But at least you’ll never have to eat at Arby’s again.
Most of these principles can be applied to any kitchen, but here’s the thing, your family and friends may have to put up with you and your shitty kitchen respect, but I don’t. I only know you because we happen to be paid by the same person. Odds are I don’t even like you. So don’t add to that by thinking I’m okay with your inconsiderate kitchen game. By the way, I wrote this while eating a piece of pizza I found in the office fridge and it was delicious.