Today we are debuting a new sector to Society Camp, our newly minted Society School. Society School is exactly like Society Camp, except for kids (12 and under). We only call it a ‘school’ to a) make it sound worse to the kids; and b) make it sound better to their awful parents. Don’t worry, we have staff on-hand to make sure that overnighters don’t wet the bed etc., as mattresses are expensive, even just loosely filled bags of plastic bottles. Obviously that was a joke, we actually buy them secondhand from hotels that have just renovated due to bed bugs.
Our inaugural Society School post will focus on a classic complaint against kids (and drunk jerks monopolizing resort swim-up bars), pissing in the goddamn pool.
This one is fairly simple, every public pool you dip your body into, is filled with the urine of kids (because of course adults know better). Sure we have chlorine killing what we hope are the most harmful aspects of what is coming out of, and off of, people’s gross bodies, but do we really know? If we just let kids piss all day in the pool, and then sprinkle in some chlorine like its fairy dust, does the pee magically vanish? No, it is only adding chemicals to the pee, in the hopes of making it less harmful. It’s pretty much like trying to cover up a bad odor with CK One, which, trust me, never works (those Air Jordans were never the same).
You’re not exempt in a natural body of water, unless it’s really big (ocean and you’re not in a crowded area) or something extremely toxic, like the Mississippi River, in which case the urine is a cleanser. But really, don’t let your kids swim in that sludge, no matter how much I dislike them, I don’t want them to succumb to salmonella or a blue catfish.
Where I go to the beach, it’s not horribly polluted, but still has it fair share of shit, (literally, you have to worry about the feces and the E. coli spewing from the near-by sewage plant), so I don’t want to have to couple that with the certain fact that those kids are pissing all over the place. They don’t get out of the water and drink like twelve Capri Suns, you do the math. So I go to the beach once a year to justify all the booster shots I’ve gotten over the years (realistically, probably zero).
What happened to that dye people used to talk about, that would turn a pool purple if a kid peed in it? Was that just a myth? If that product never existed, stop making apps you smart types and start making urine pool dye. Or was it such an effective product that it shattered the lives of thousands of young kids who just didn’t know any better? “We had so many hopes for Johnny. Only 8, he was already reading at a Grade 6 reading level, and strong like a 5th grader. But then one day he got caught peeing in the community pool thanks to that hateful dye, and well, life was never the same. He sells T-Shirts now, down by the lake.” Poor bastard.
Just teach your kids too hold it, or better yet, you dads of the world, hold it in your damn pants so we have less awful kids
running about. I’d like to swim, one day, knowing that I leave that water not having been Christened in the urine of a bunch of pre-pubescent assholes.
Sentence: Once our patent pending Society School Pee Dye hits the market, anyone caught peeing in the pool will receive half a day at Society Camp and a lifetime of therapy.
Reform Punishment; This one is delayed until the kid is 25, at which point, we’ll make them sit in a wadding pool for the duration of their sentence. Karma. Glorious, glorious, pee karma.
“Show me someone who has never peed in a pool and I’ll show you a liar.”