It’s disgusting enough that people choose to gallivant around the city in sandals like the streets are their goddamn gym shower, but this foot assault is made all the worse when they decide to pop them off in public spaces that aren’t a beach and expose their bunion covered hooves to the world.
First, let’s cover sandals before we move on to the brazen barefooters, who might as well have their middle toes erected as a giant fuck you to the world.
Flip flops are the worst of the sandal family, seeing as they are the audio equivalent to masturbating in public. Where do you think the term “fapping” came from? From the sound of disgusting flip-flops turning the world mad with depravity. No one wants to hear the rubber cacophony of those flimsy soles slapping the ground, a repetitive noise that will drive you more mad than the Chinese water torture.
Some people spend over $100 on German made leather sandals. These are marginally better, but only because they have more material to cover your wretched feet. “Oh wow, they have a cork sole, what will they think of next! Cork and leather, sure, I can wear these monstrosities to any fine restaurant in the city, because they are made from the same materials as wine and expensive furniture”. No you can’t asshole, as your feet are still about as appealing as jaundice.
You sandal folks are probably shaking your heads in anger, “summers are hot, my feet need to breath”. I didn’t realize feet had gills, I should have paid more attention in Biology class (all I remember from it is dissecting frogs, which has me worried that deep down I might be a serial killer,but at least one not so depraved as to kill you while wearing those stupid Adidas sandals with the painful massage beads). Other than the beach or a cottage, I don’t wear sandals, and my feet have never died from suffocation. I’m a sweaty man, and yet, my feet, draped in socks and god forbid, shoes, even on sweltering days, remain cool and cozy like a baby swaddled in fine Egyptian linens.
Don’t even get me started on dudes doing this. The pubic like hair growing from your toes with about as much coverage as an oily comb-over, should not see the light of day. You ladies are not that much better, with the various band-aids covering up all your battle scars from the horrible shoes you subject your feet too. Also feet are just gross, I don’t care who you are.
And this leads us to our final, and perhaps most important point, those who choose to just go straight barefoot. I was eating at a Thai restaurant the other night, and noticed a woman who had casually slipped off her sandals and proceeded to eat her meal barefoot. Thai food already has enough fishy scents without your feet adding to the mix. People are eating, and the last thing they want to see are your gross little toes, adorned with rings and what not, wiggling around like squid.
There’s actually a group called the Barefoot Alliance , can you believe that shit? They preach the virtues of being barefoot. They even have a section about the legality of going barefoot in a restaurant (the accompanying image is them barefooting it up at some restaurant). How is this not hate speech? Look, if you want to frolic around your kale garden in bare feet, I could give a shit. Hell, I don’t even care if you do it on the sidewalk, because you walking on a syringe doesn’t impact my life, other than my tax money going to the various shots you’ll need to ensure you don’t get Hep C. Just not at a restaurant.
Sentence: Anyone caught wearing sandals outside, when not at a beach or park, will be handed a pamphlet telling them just how awful they are, and giving them some tips on shoe wearing in the summer, like wearing cotton socks instead of wool ones, you big dummy. Anyone caught making excessive flip-flop noises in a public space that isn’t a beach or park, will receive two hours at Society Camp. Anyone caught barefoot in a restaurant, will receive three days at Society Camp. We aren’t messing around anymore. Feet are gross, and so are you for throwing them down our throat. You are almost literally putting your foot in my mouth, and I should know, I figuratively do it to myself all the damn time.
Reform Punishment: You will have to spend your entire sentence painting John Madden’s toes, who hasn’t used Tough Acting Tinactin since its popularity in 1994, resulting in a case of athlete’s foot that has grown into a sort of robust bark. And for you barefoot restaurant eaters, when leaving camp, we’ll make you walk across a Die Hard inspired sea of broken glass. John McClane paid heavily for taking his shoes off in public, and now, so will you.