It’s disgusting enough to have to watch people shovel food into their filthy mouths with the gumption of Joey Chestnut, without having to be further annoyed by the manner in which they decide to consume their beverage.
Drinking, along with breathing and I don’t know, eye opening, is the first thing we learn to do as humans. It’s the one means we have of survival when we are stupid babies whose biggest accomplishments revolve around producing solidly formed poos (it usually just looks like broccoli soup, but be warned, it doesn’t taste like it). So you’d think that when it comes to putting a liquid down your throat, you should have the whole operation down to a fine science come adulthood.
The reality is that the majority of insufferable people who have the personality of wallpaper (and not Oscar Wilde on his deathbed moving wallpaper, just plain ol’ hospital white), always find ways to make the ordinary as annoying as possible. And when it comes to drinking, it’s adding an exaggerated ahhhhhh after taking what you want the world to know is a satisfying sip.
These type of people are trying to make up for other shortcomings in their life. “Hey, maybe if I let people around me know just how much I love and appreciate every goddamn sip of coffee I take, they won’t know that deep down within my fragile soul is an empty void that can only be filled with copious amounts of alcohol and pills that I stole from my aging mother”.
I don’t care if it’s ice-cold beer on a sultry day; hot coffee on a frigid winter morning; water after wandering the desert for days without it; or even some horseshit aged scotch that is worth as much as the GDP of Grenada, no sip is worthy enough of a fake, exhaled ahhhhhh. Biologically, your body doesn’t need to make this sound after taking a sip of any liquid. You could even drink a straight shot of lava and still not need to add the ahhhhhh, though a pain induced arggggghhhhhh would be totally acceptable if the blistering liquid had yet to kill you (though you were kinda asking for it with all that ahhhhhh-ing).
Sentence: Anyone caught exhaling an ahhhhhh after taking what they want the world to know is satisfaction personified through liquid consumption, will be sent to Society Camp for two hours (I’m not a monster). If caught smacking your lips before the ahhhhhh, we make it a whole day, because that is disgusting and makes me think of the word moist.
Reform Punishment: You will be forced to drink Mountain Dew Code Red, but a bootleg kind we bought on Craigslist that a guy named Doug makes in his mom’s basement in Hoboken. After every sip, you will be forced to smile while ahhhhhh-ing your face off. From that moment on, anytime you even try and ahhhhhh after a sip, the sense memory of Code Red will have you vomiting all over the place and wishing you weren’t such an obnoxious person.
Do us all a favor, and drink beverages without making society want to feed you to sharks. Even then, you think a shark wants to eat someone who is that inconsiderate? Don’t worry Mitch (the name of our shark who lives in Lake Society Camp) they may be horrible sippers, and people in general, but all that Code Red will have them tasting sweet and sour like a suckling pig.