Today we have our first in our Fail Bag series, where readers send in what they think is a glaring example of societal shitbaggery, or even share their own hiccups in trying to not be so awful, and seek our sage advice on how to reform such inconsiderate actions.
Keith from Barrie, Ontario:
Hi Society Camp, first time, long time (editors note: this guy is a fucking liar, this blog hasn’t even been around for a week and he hits us with the first time, long time horseshit). The guy in the cubicle next to me is nice enough, for someone from Barrie. I’ve been working next to him for about a year, and for the most part I have no issues with him, even though he wears the same Van Halen shirt every Friday, which is bad enough as it is, but worse when you realize we work in a law office that doesn’t subscribe to casual Fridays (one time I didn’t wear a pinstripe suit on a Friday and almost lost my job). Anyway, so this guy, let’s call him Mitch, because that’s his real name, is okay, just a shitty dresser and he wears that all natural pine deodorant, which makes him smell great for about an hour or so, but that slowly fades into the faint smell of B.O. wafting through a forest, but that doesn’t bother me all that much. What I’m writing to you about is his fucking whistling. Usually, if a colleague was just whistling all the time, I’d tell them to shut their squeezed together lips up. But here’s the thing, Mitch just whistles the same tune throughout the day, Chopin’s “Funeral March”. So I really want to throw my stapler at him, but what if he’s just thinking about his dead wife’s funeral all the time? Would that make me the asshole? Or is he still the asshole and Society Camp bound for whistling at work?
Thanks for writing in, Keith. First of all, I’m really, really sorry to hear about the hard time you’ve been going through, as it’s never easy being from Barrie. But now let’s get to the matter at hand, fucking awful Mitch and his stupid, depressing whistling. Whistling at work, regardless of the song, is not okay. Whistling on the street, not okay. Whistling while walking through nature trails, not okay. Whistling is like masturbation, sure it makes you feel good, but when done in public, it will make everyone around you very uncomfortable and should probably end in criminal proceedings. Add to that the constant reminder of our impending deaths, via a grim tune like the “Funeral March”, and this guy is just an asshole all around, even if his lovely wife of 31 years died suddenly in her sleep. Shit happens to everyone, doesn’t make public whistling okay.
The only times it’s okay to whistle are: when refereeing a sports a game, and even then, take it easy with the wind bravado; attempting to avoid being maimed by a bear; or for your own personal safety while walking the streets late at night. That’s it. And all of those require an actual whistle. Whistling from one’s mouth is both jejune and impractical, and will render all those around you so annoyed that they’ll want to ensure you’ll never be able to breath sound, or just general oxygen, ever again. If you want to whistle, do so privately, or become a folk singer.
Sentence: If caught whistling at work, or anywhere in public, without proper accreditation (i.e. your license says you’re Bobby McFerrin, who gets a pass because “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is better than Valium for a case of the sads), you shall receive a half day at Society Camp. If caught whistling any song that has ever been on Seacrest’s Top 40, the sentence becomes a full day.
Reform Punishment: Your mouth will be stuffed with saltines and the aforementioned “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, will be played through the camp’s loud speakers. Doesn’t sound bad right? You try whistling along to the most infectious song in the world when your cheeks are filled to the teets with crackers. You will simply go mad not being able to join in to that magical whistling.
But hey, what do we at Society Camp know (other than everything)? You want to whistle away your life so you can become this guy, go right ahead. Okay, so that guy is kinda awesome, but only on a Ted Talks, he would be fucking insufferable at a dinner party, unless of course, crackers were the only thing served. Friends don’t let friends whistle in public, but if they do, Society Camp awaits.